Help Wanted: Looking for Conspiracy Theorists
Are you tired of working in a job that does good for your community or possibly the world? Are you tired of your current workplace not allowing you to spread thoughts that you have, thoughts you know aren’t true in any way whatsoever? Do you not have a job, but are looking to spread ideas (that aren’t true) about highly sensitive topics?
Well, here at the Vista we love helping people in every way, even if the people we help don’t have the slightest clue about how the world ACTUALLY works. Remember, we aren’t just here for news, we’re here for you.
That’s why we’ve compiled a list of job postings to help you get off your feet and start unleashing your theories into the world. It’s a fact that most things you think are true, probably are. If you think the moon is made of cheese, it probably is. Aliens are already here? If you think so, then that’s true, too.
Here are a couple jobs for you if you’re that conspiracy theorist that never wants to shut up. Enjoy.
HELP WANTED: Convince my kid that Santa Clause is real
I’m looking for a conspiracy theorist to convince my daughter that Santa is actually real. The other day, she told me that she didn’t believe in him anymore and that worries me. I need someone who could sit with her and show her some YouTube videos that would convince her otherwise. Or maybe someone that has some deeply secret government documents that show they’ve been hiding him this whole time.
HELP WANTED: Convince my boss that I was sick
Responsibilities include: coming up with a new kind of sickness that only affects people named Chad. I don’t know why, but I told my boss I have the Chad Disease and that only 8% of the country has it (amount of people named Chad in the US). Maybe start a Facebook page that is for any Chad suffering from the disease and invite my boss. Or even say your name is Chad and tell my boss that it is crippling you.
HELP WANTED: Convince the world that fedoras are back in style
I’ve come to a realization: fedoras went out of style very recently. I now need someone who can convince a large part of the population that it IS cool. Actually, if people could see the cool tricks that I can do with the head gear, they would be convinced easily. There’s a lot of money in it for you, unless you would just like a really classy fedora. Maybe you could start by going to highly sensitive news stories online and just mention how cool you think fedoras are.
HELP WANTED: Convince people that my new album is fire
I have finally been honest with myself. My music is not as good as it could be. So, I’ve dropped to an all time low and decided to hire a conspiracy theorist to use ridiculous ways to convince people my music is lit. I don’t know how you would do it, but if you could convince people that I am a distant brother of Lil’ Bow Wow or even just a cousin of Ludacris. My new album is called ‘The World is a Deck of Cards, Let’s Shuffle’.
HELP WANTED: Convince the world that I’m a good actor
Need someone who can be dumb online and convince the world that I’m a good actor. I’ve seen it done before. Five bucks.
If the world is an oyster, shuck it. You shouldn’t be living in your parents basement anymore. Spread your wings and fly into the land of opportunity. You’ve probably been online, posting stupidly ridiculous ideas that don’t make sense and yet gaining trust in the process. Now, you can get paid for it. So, be a horrible individual and change the world in a negative way. Man, the internet is such a great place for lies.