UCO Student’s Life Crumbles Apart
WARNING: This is a Fictional Column Intended for Satire
Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits are now labeled as an anti-depressant and many patients find it as a delicious alternative, however, the drug has caused an epidemic.
“You would be surprised at how happy people get when they consume their Cheddar Biscuit medication,” said Dr. Shelly Shrimpsky of National Orthopedic Physicality Enivironment (NOPE). “But the drug can take hold of a patient if he or she does not consume the amount prescribed by their doctor.”
The ‘Cheddar Biscuit’ drug is taken orally and it is effective almost immediately in the patient’s system.
While the drug can only be prescribed to patients, making Cheddar Biscuits is as simple as baking it in one’s own kitchen.
“My son had crumbs all over his bed sheets,” yelled Amy Simpson, who has reason to believe her son is addicted. “I walked into his room the other day and he was rolling up one of the biscuits into a paper towel to eat later. He told me that he had got it from one of the kids at school.”
The Cheddar Biscuit epidemic has spread nationwide, the Drug Enforcement Administration of Edmond (DEAE) has released a list of possible suppliers of the drug.
One supplier on the list, Raul Guillermo from Venezuela posted a video online stating that, “La droga Cheddar Biscuit es uno que es fácil de hacer y los ingredientes se pueden encontrar en el Rachel Ray Show. Seguiremos haciendo la droga Cheddar Biscuit y el gobierno americano no puede detenernos.”
Guillermo has been known as a large Cheddar Biscuit supplier and is connected to most biscuits that have made their way into the states.
“To know that drug dealers are supplying children with biscuits, it’s terrifying,” said Simpson. “My son was on his way to be a track-and-field Olympian, he loved running. Now, he just sits in his room secretly eating biscuits all day.”
Austin Farraday, the lead scientist at the Edmond Ivy League College University (EILCU) made it his duty to find Guillermo and figure out just what makes the Cheddar Biscuit an addictive substance.
“We know the chemical compounds in most drugs and what makes them so addictive,” said Farraday. “And to understand the Cheddar Biscuit, I had to go to the source and watch the drug be made in the lab.”
Farraday spent six months in Venezuela and with the help of Guillermo, learned the secrets behind the Cheddar Biscuit.
“Turns out the drug is just like normal biscuits but with cheese on top,” said Farraday. “I guess the cheese is the addictive part. I honestly don’t know; South America was beautiful though. I’m glad the school had the budget for this ‘science’ trip.”
“When I say it will take hold of a patient, I just mean it will taste good,” said Dr. Shrimpsky. “There are no negative side effects from consuming the Cheddar Biscuit drug, besides maybe high cholesterol.”
So far, the Cheddar Biscuit remains as a substitute to current forms of anti-depressants and has no recorded overdoses.
Guillermo recently contacted The Vista through Farraday saying, “¿Escribes para el periódico y decides inventar una historia sobre cómo las galletas de Red Lobster son adictivas? Puedes hacerlo mejor que eso.”