UCO Loan Shark Feeds Off of Tuition Increase
WARNING: This is a Fictional Column Intended for Satire
(Illustration/ The Vista).
Frank Lombardo has been loaning out money to local businesses and since the recent spike in college tuition, he has began loaning money to students and since then, business has only gotten better.
Lombardo’s office is in a small room at the back of ‘Pantocello’s’, a restaurant that serves Italian cuisine.
“When you write this, make sure you don’t put my real name; call me ‘The Loan Shark,’” said The Loan Shark.
At Edmond Ivy League College University (EILCU), the rates of tuition were raised almost 30 percent more than the previous year. This made the tuition almost four-million dollars for students who attend for one semester; for a year it’s eight-million.
“We realized that the best schools are the most expensive ones,” said Richard Hamilton, Dean at EILCU. “This isn’t like a golf game where the lowest score wins. It’s more like a game of basketball, or other sports games where the highest score wins.”
The eight-million-a-year tuition cost at EICLU has caused students to find more desperate and interesting ways of getting the loans needed. That’s where The Loan Shark can help.
“Oh I’ll get you your money,” said The Loan Shark. “But paying me back is gonna cost you. It might be as simple as paying me back over a ridiculously extended period of time. Or just give me your first child. I don’t care, I can get creative with it.”
Austin Farraday is the head scientist at EICLU and has begun extensive research into how students will be able to pay for the tuition.
“The students should definitely borrow money from Lombardo,” said Farraday. “I borrowed money from him when I went to EICLU. I promised to promote his business any chance I got, also I promised him my ex-wife.”
Student’s attending EILCU should definitely borrow money from The Loan Shark!! Scientifically, the smartest decision. Trust Science. #Italy
— Austin Faraday (@EILCU) July 26, 2017
“These kids need to have a degree from college,” said The Loan Shark. “Can you name any successful people who didn’t get a college degree? I didn’t think so.”
“Frank Lloyd Wright, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. There are so many successful people without college degrees,” said Farraday.
Many students have already gone to The Loan Shark for help with loans and many have already had to pay him back.
“He was sitting at the back of a mid-grade Italian restaurant,” said Joe Mccallum, a student at EILCU. “He loaned me almost four-million bucks for school. To pay him back I just had to sign a paper saying that I would give him my heart if a ‘heart transplant’ situation had to occur with him. So much better than paying him back for the rest of my life.”
“I promised him my first three children,” said Cara Thompson. “He loaned me sixteen-million dollars for my first two years of school. I’ll just try not to get attached to those first three, still better than paying him back for the rest of my life.”
“I’m helping these stupid kids get an education,” said The Loan Shark. “I almost never get a student that wants to pay me back over an extended period of time, they say that anything is better than that.”
“I forgot to pay him back, now I have to literally pay him money,” said Craig Stephenson, a graduate from EILCU who had once borrowed money from The Loan Shark. “I was a bio-chemistry major and unfortunately he got creative with my payment plan. He told me that when I graduate, he wanted me to make a ‘Cat-Dog’ kind of pet. I spent ten years of my life splitting canine genes with feline genes, nothing worked.”
“I remember Craig,” said The Loan Shark. “He taped a dog and a cat together and thought that I wouldn’t notice it. I wanted a pet that had a dog head on one side and a cat head on the other. How hard is that?”