Tips to forget your flu and feel fantastic
Winston Churchill once said, “Getting rid of the flu is like getting rid of Germany. You have to stand strong with your fellow countrymen and that’s when you will be able to defeat it.”
Flu season has come and it has gone and it has come back again and it left for a bit, but I guess it came back again. There’s no telling when you will get the flu. When you have it, you might have a sudden urge to attack the person that gave it to you. You know it’s probably Brad. He was sneezing a bunch last week and blowing his nose all around the office. Oh, and you know he uses YOUR coffee mug. It has YOUR name on it. Man, Brad’s the worst.
However, attacking Brad won’t cure your symptoms. It will make you feel a little bit better, but until scientists of the world find a cure for the flu, there’s nothing to do but try and ease the pain. You COULD take over-the-counter medicine, but then you would just end up getting addicted and find yourself living on the streets, begging for a sip of Nyquil from every CVS Pharmacy.
You’re better than that. That’s why you opened up the newspaper (or scrolled around online) and found this REAL news article that can help you fix the flu. These tips will not only help you get past the frightening flu symptoms, but it will prevent you from having to curb-stomp Brad’s face on YOUR coffee mug. Man, Brad’s the worst.
- ENERGIZE YOUR LIFE; BRING YOUR SPIRIT BACK TO LIFE
Bring a bit of energy into your life and that will make you feel 10 times better. Go ahead and drink a fewFive Hour Energy drinks, at least five of them, and energize the flu right out of your life. This energy will make you completely forget about the symptoms you’re feeling from the flu because you’ll be too worried that you’re going to have a heart attack. Also, you’ll get a ton of work done in the process. Although, you may end up laying down, trying to control your breathing and wondering how fast a normal heartbeat is.
2. REPLACE BACTERIA WITH BACTERIA
The battle of Mordor is going on in your body right now (that’s from Lord of the Rings). So, in order to defeat the Orcs that are fighting for the flu, you need to throw in more Orcs to save the day (also Lord of the Rings). What I’m saying is, flood your body with more bacteria so that it will balance out the current amount of bacteria. Lick toilet seats in the public restroom of a gas station, visit the sick wing of a hospital without a mask or even just stay in the public restroom of a gas station and lick everything. This will flood your body with bacteria and send Frodo into Mordor with the ring (last Lord of the Rings reference).
3. USE YOUR HEAD
Find a way to switch the pain from the flu symptoms into something more unique, like a severe head injury. While you have the flu, go skateboarding or rollerblading without a helmet. Eventually, you will fall and hit your head. That head injury will cause you to go into a deep coma that may last weeks, months or even years. When you wake up, you will find yourself in an apocalyptic world where artificial intelligence has taken over. But you are in a hospital that has not been a working hospital in years. So, now you have to find weapons because the A.I. see humans as waste in this new world. It will be a hard life, but you can find comfort in knowing that you aren’t sneezing as much as you were before the coma.
4. JUST GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE
Come on, it’s like a superpower. You can give it to someone else, maybe Brad, who literally just got over the flu. You see him drinking out of your coffee mug once again. This time, you can laugh, because he’s drinking up an entire cup filled with your virus. Welcome to the jungle Brad.
No matter what, stay safe this flu season and stay away from a guy named Brad who sneezes. Also, don’t listen to any of this advice, this is fake news. Wake up, SHEEPLE.