Recent Poll Suggests Teachers Enjoy Money
Warning: This is a Humor Column that is a fictional story intended for satire.
In a recent poll conducted by Edmond Ivy League University (EILU), it found that many teachers in Oklahoma lean towards a general enjoyment of money because it pays them for the work that they do.
— Austin Faraday (@EILCU) June 23, 2017
“We are astounded at the findings,” said Austin Farraday; leading scientist of the poll. “So far, five out of every five teachers that was polled likes earning money after they do their job; it’s bewildering.”
With the recent budget cuts to education in Oklahoma, the general understanding is that teachers truly hate money and only love working.
Craig Dumbman believes that teachers don’t enjoy being paid. “I talked to one teacher who said that molding minds is the one thing that matters to her. She never mentioned anything about money.”
Debbie Stevens is a teacher at Southside Central Northern Elementary who picked up another job during the summer.
“I am a sandwich artist at Subway,” said Stevens. “I actually train people on the artistry of a good sandwich, so you could say I’m still teaching.”
Stevens was recently promoted to head cashier at Subway, a job she is truly proud of.
“There is a lot more to a Chicken Terryaki sandwich than you realize,” said Stevens. “Also, I make more in tips at Subway than at school. And yes, there is a tip jar.”
During the school year, Stevens learned how to get around the low pay that she got as an Oklahoma school teacher.
“Oh I had lots of tricks,” said Stevens. “I couldn’t afford to buy paper, so I made the kids gather leaves during recess and we used that as paper. My house looks like a bird’s nest when I have to grade.”
Stevens had put all sixty-two of her students down as dependents on her tax form.
“Is that illegal or something, because I’ll stop,” said Stevens.
The scientists at EILCU polled nearly four-hundred teachers in Oklahoma to get the most definitive opinion on whether or not they enjoyed money.
“We asked the teachers if money was important to them,” said Farraday. “Three-hundred-and-forty-six of the teachers quickly replied ‘very important.’ We found that the other fifty-four teachers would just laugh and walk away; we took that as a ‘very important.’
Many parents are also shocked to believe that teachers generally enjoy money, including Rhonda Harrison; whose son is currently in school.
“I don’t think they need money,” said Harrison. “Every year they get boxes of tissues from the students. That means each teacher gets at least thirty boxes of tissues, those are almost two dollars a box.”
Farraday continued further research in the poll by giving one-thousand dollars to the teachers that answered ‘very important,’ to see if they would enjoy it.
“Each one of the teachers accepted the money we gave them,” said Farraday. “We did not expect that at all. In fact, we only brought two-thousand dollars, thinking that no teachers would want it.”
“I really love teaching those children, their eyes light up when they learn something new is irreplaceable,” said Stevens. “But at Subway, that tip jar will light up when I make a really good sandwich.”