Lanes Divide Left and Right
Warning:This is a Fictional Column Intended for Satire
Oklahoma’s new ‘Left Lane Law,’ has many drivers concerned that the new law is a way to give left-handed people an advantage when driving.
However, the law that was passed requires Oklahoma drivers to not drive in the very far left lane, unless they intend to be passing other vehicles on the right side.
“It’s called the right side for a reason,” said Carl Wittleston, an Oklahoma resident who doesn’t agree with the new law. “It’s called that because it is the righteous side of the road. I don’t know if these lawmakers know this or not, but right-handed people have rights, and this is taking away our right to drive wherever we please.”
A recent rally was held in downtown Oklahoma City last week to protest the ‘specialized treatment of left-handed people.’ Unfortunately nobody showed up because the flier instructed people to meet on the ‘right side of town’ and many were confused if that meant directionally or morally.
“That was my fault, I should have made that clearer,” said Wittleston. “There were people scattered throughout the city, I just thought it was a very clever way of making our point known.”
Many right-handed people have begun calling out those in favor of the new law as ‘Hand Haters.’
“These Hand Haters walk around thinking that right-handed people don’t matter anymore,” said Wittleston. “I could surgically remove my left hand and it wouldn’t make a difference to me. That’s because the right hand is the righteous hand, it is a plain scientific fact that nobody could deny.”
“I surgically removed my left hand,” said Austin Farraday, the lead scientist at the Edmond Ivy League College University. “This time, the experiment is going to whole new levels. To not be tempted to surgically re-attach my left hand, I threw it in the garbage. I am going to commit myself to this experiment by taking any options out of the equation.”
The scientists at EILCU began a complicated experiment to see just how useful the left hand can be to a person.
“The results?” said Farraday. “Well, I immediately noticed I have been left-handed all my life. This was something that I did not realize throughout my life, it kind of just was and I have never questioned it. Needless to say, that was a difficult barrier during the entirety of the experiment.”
Farraday found himself re-learning how to do many everyday tasks that would have been easier, had he still had his left hand.
“This experiment should have been done a different way, I’ll be the first to admit that,” said Farraday. “But then I realized, the experiment would work better if a left-handed person, like myself, had their right hand removed to really know if they can live without it.”
Farraday surgically removed his right hand and re-attached it to his left arm and began the experiment.
“I’m going to be the first to admit, this didn’t work from a science standpoint,” said Farraday. “I guess there are nerve endings and stuff that don’t match with the left arm and right hand. So, now I find myself with a lifeless right hand on my left arm. This experiment is over and I’m going to the garbage dump to look for my left hand.”
Wittleston and many others are still fighting Oklahoma legislature to turn back the left lane law.
“The Hand Haters at the Capitol have left us with no other option,” said Wittleston. “We are going to the right side of the capitol building and we are going to demand for them to shut-down the left side of all Oklahoma roads. This time, I’m going to specifically put in the flier that the east side of the capitol is the right side.”