New Disease Causes Confusion Between What is Real and Fake
WARNING: This is a satire piece, please use logic when reading.
A recent medical study done by the scientists at Edmond Ivy League College University (EILCU) found that a lot of people have been diagnosed with a new brain illness called Facteoporosis [fakt-tee-oh-puh-roh-sis].
Austin Faraday is the head scientist at EICLU, he was the first to discover the brain illness.
“I was immediately surprised that this was an actual illness and not just a character-trait that someone had. I mean, for years we’ve just thought that some people were born without understanding humor. Now we know it is neurons within their brain that doesn’t allow them to discern what is fake from what is real; Facteoporosis.”
— Austin Faraday (@EILCU) June 15, 2017
Forty-two-year-old Harold Lepkiss was diagnosed with Facteoporosis soon after the medical study was published.
“It has stopped me from enjoying a lot of things in life,” said Lepkiss. “Halloween is a nightmare for me.”
Angela Burnstein has been the caretaker of Lepkiss for the past eight years, a job that takes up most of her time.
“I am just thankful that it is an actual disease,” said Burnstein. “He could possibly get a prescription now and make my job easier. Last year there was a prosthetics convention at the hotel we were staying at, lots of fake legs and arms and stuff, he thought it was all real. Mr. Lepkiss screamed and fainted, I had to carry him out of the hotel.”
Burnstein’s job requires her to shield most information from Lepkiss, from newspapers to fast-food restaurant signs.
“I have eaten at the same restaurant all my life,” said Lepkiss. “It has the best burgers in town. Why would I eat anywhere else? Not a big fan of burgers though.”
Now that Facteoporosis is an actual disease, Faraday and the other scientists at EILCU have begun working on a solution to the diagnosis.
“We are still working very hard to find a way to solve this,” said Faraday. “For now, I would suggest for those with the disease, try very hard to not believe everything you hear, see or read. Oh, and they need to realize that if something says that it is fake or fictitious then it probably isn’t real.”
“He lives a miserable life,” said Burnstein. “He thinks that any movie he watches is real.”
“As a boy, my toys would come to life when I left the room,” said Lepkiss. “A lot of times my toys wouldn’t even be where I thought I put them because they would come to life and move around.”
“I made him watch Toy Story last year,” said Burnstein. “I thought that maybe he would realize that an animated movie is fake, that didn’t work.”
Lepkiss was recently fired from Chili’s because he had been serving alcohol to minors for almost the entire time he worked there. Lepkiss worked at Chili’s for fifteen years.
“He couldn’t tell which ID’s were fake and which were real,” said Burnstein. “Minors would hand him a slip of paper that just said ‘My ID,’ and he would think that it was real. I’m surprised he didn’t go to jail.”
“Social Media has made me and my colleagues search harder for a specific vaccine for Facteoporosis,” said Faraday.
Social Media contains a large amount of information that is intellectually digested by its readers. Those without Facteoporosis are able to use logic to figure out the real information from the fake.
“I keep Mr. Lepkiss away from all information,” said Burnstein. “He thought his toys came to life because he watched an animated childrens movie. Facteoporosis has made him completely not understand when something is actually fake.”
“I still live a fulfilling life,” said Lepkiss. “Once I get a letter to attend Hogwarts, then I will just learn a healing charm like Brakium Emendo; it will fix me right up.”