My Killer Month with the Ketogenic Diet

My Killer Month with the Ketogenic Diet

 

You’re fat. You’re overweight. You’re unhealthy. You’re stupid. These are the thoughts that rush through the minds of 99-percent of Americans (fakestatistics.org). So what do you do? Your feet have hit the treadmill a dozen times and every time is like cement blocks smashing through an endless void. You go to the weight-lifting bench at the gym and there is a bald, sweaty guy who is lifting 500 pounds next to you while you struggle with the feathers on your bar.

I told myself that enough is enough. I will begin the trending diet called Keto. This is my record-long month on the diet and how my life evolved along the way. I will let you know now, these records are not for those with a weak stomach.

WEEK 1

It is March 7th, in the year of our Lord 2018. Dear man diary: my first week on the Keto diet was a success and I no longer eat carbs or sugar. The first couple days were rough, but I have made it through. I have lost 10 pounds so far and feel amazing. So much energy is coursing through my body.

Something strange thing happened yesterday, though. While I have mainly been eating meats and cheeses (plus, a whole bunch of avocados), yesterday I didn’t cook my steak, I just ate it raw. It tasted really good, but I’m worried that the Keto diet is causing me to eat this way. I even licked the packaging the steak came in. Is this normal?

I will be cooking my meat from now on, this was just a weird moment.

WEEK 2

It is March 14th, in the year of our Lord 2018. Dear testosterone-fueled man diary: I ate a dead possum yesterday. I don’t know why I did it, but it was the most delicious thing in the world. I’ve been craving  raw meat more and more lately. Since starting the Keto diet, I have so much energy and feel amazing.

On a positive note, I have lost 18 pounds since I’ve started! It’s really exciting. I think I might try something more alive tomorrow, maybe a squirrel or something, but no carbs or sugars. I’ve got to remember that.

P.S. (I’ve also been hearing voices in my head. Nobody warns you about this Keto diet and how much it messes with your head).

WEEK 3

It is March 21st, in the year of our Lord 2018. Dear super masculine testosterone-fueled man diary: I live in the woods now and talk to the trees. They’re my friends. I used to think that the Keto diet was just a trend that would die off, but my tree friends tell me to keep on doing it.

I eat deer now, too. Road kill became so bland. I’ll eat birds, squirrels and deer. I just jump from my tree home and start eating up!

I think back to the days when I ate Cheetos and think “gross.” I was so unhealthy. If Cheetos had a heartbeat, I would think “yum.”

P.S. (I saw a townsperson today and my stomach started growling. My tree friend Mike says I need to start thinking about branching out more with what I eat. He’s so funny.).

WEEK 4 

It is March 27th, in the year of our Lord 2018. Dear super masculine rock n’ roll-listening testosterone-fueled man diary: I’m a woodland creature now.

Whoever gets these records of my Ketogenic journey, just know to not go into the woods at night. I’m a nocturnal animal. I live at night in the woods and feast on human flesh.

Anyway, the Keto diet is a plus. Everyone should try it when they get a chance.

 

So, that’s it, the Keto diet. I became a woodland creature and a zombie all at once. If you want a face-to-face experience of what the Keto diet can do for you, stop by the woods around 2 in the morning and I’ll show you.

 

 

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