Local Clown Can’t Juggle His Own Struggle
Warning: This is a humor column which is intended for satire.
A re-make of ‘IT’ is scheduled to be released this September and fifty-two-year-old Oklahoma clown Carl Simmons blames the horror film for his recent decline in customers because he believes it portrays all clowns as murderers.
“When the movie came out in the early 90’s, it created an overall fear of the clown lifestyle and I saw a dramatic decline in customers,” said Simmons. “Now that there is another ‘IT’ being released, it has gotten worse and now nobody wants to hire a clown for their event, I’ve even tried other jobs.”
Simmons was recently fired from Uber, Margaret Collins was his last Uber customer.
“I was picked up by a clown named Carl,” said Collins. “There was also Bozo, Benzo, Clappy, Slappy, Pappy, Carlito, and Rick; eight clowns in a 2012 Toyota Prius. I had to call and complain about that to Uber.”
Darryl Fuller is the head supervising clown analysist at Edmond Ivy League University (EILU) and says that he has come up with a way to combat the fear of clowns.
“We have found that a large percentage of people fear clowns and spiders,” said Fuller. “So my scientists and I have attached a clown wig to a spider. We wanted to come up with something that could avert the fear of clowns to something more terrifying; a clown spider. Our focus groups found it more humorous than expected.”
— Austin Faraday (@EILCU) June 21, 2017
However, the 2017 re-make of ‘IT’ released a trailer in anticipation of the film’s opening in September and it has Simmons concerned.
“Just the movie trailer alone has already gotten kids to fear clowns,” said Simmons. “Every morning I painted a smile on my face. Now I have started painting a frown because it’s my true self, it’s how I feel.”
“Because of him, I’ve considered taking my son to a therapist.” Cheryl Russel is one of Simmons recent customers who hired him to entertain a group of children at her son’s eighth birthday party. “He blew a clown horn while riding a bike that was too small for his body and then threw a pie at his own face. When nobody laughed at the pie-in-the-face he started yelling curse words and asking the children if they wanted him to murder them. If I could give him less than zero stars on Yelp I would.”
“Nobody respects clowns anymore because of Stephen King,” said Simmons. “Even my baby girl doesn’t respect me.”
Simmons’ ‘baby girl’ is twenty-nine-year-old Angela Simmons, a daughter that doubts her father’s ability as a clown.
“He was always blaming Stephen King, but he is just a bad clown,” said Angela. “All of my birthdays consisted of him doing the same routine; blowing a clown horn while riding a bike that’s too small for his body and throwing a pie in his face. It’s not funny, it’s embarrassing.”
The trailer for the re-make of the horror film shows the main clown character, Pennywise hiding in the shadows of a storm drain. Simmons doubted the reality of the situation.
“A clown in full uniform could never fit into a storm drain, or so I thought,” said Simmons. “I got into full clown uniform last week and attempted to squeeze into a storm drain. I was successful, but getting out was where I had trouble. The top half of my body got out, but then I was stuck. So, I started freaking out a little, but I calmed down and politely asked some children passing by if they could help me out.”
“I got a call from a neighbor saying that my father is hanging out of a storm drain, grabbing children, and yelling at them that he promises not to murder them,” said Angela. “How do you handle a phone call like that? It’s embarrassing to have to pull a clown from a storm drain. But knowing that the clown in the storm drain is your father, it’s worse. I’m looking at senior citizen homes currently.”
Simmons continues to pursue a clown lifestyle even though he believes the fear of clowns is stronger now more than ever.
“Everyone should have a clown at their birthday,” said Simmons. “I have this hilarious routine where I ride a bike that is too small for my body while blowing my clown horn and then I throw a pie in my own face; it kills.”