From Millennials to B.A.B.I.E.S
WARNING: This is a Fictional Column Intended for Satire
Sociologists throughout the nation have found a new generation of children that they are calling B.A.B.I.E.S; kids who possess opposite characteristics of millennials
Sam Malone was the first sociologist to give the name to this generation, saying that they are ‘lazy’ and ‘unentitled.’
“Being Already Born Into Expected Servitude, that is what the acronym B-A-B-I-E-S stands for,” said Malone. “We thought that we had it bad with millennials, this new generation of children are almost like the evil twins of millennials. So far, we have only found the characteristics to describe B.A.B.I.E.S in children ages zero to two.”
The new B.A.B.I.E.S generation has been known to not understand what their own name is. This characteristic does not coincide with the millennials generation, whom are known to be entitled.
“We tested many of those in the B.A.B.I.E.S generation and none of them could tell us what their own name was,” said Malone. “They are lazy. This is sociological science we are using, it’s like they never even bother to learn what their name is or are just too lazy to tell us.”
Another characteristic that opposes one of the millennials is that the B.A.B.I.E.S don’t understand social media and can’t operate the technology needed for social media.
Malone works with many other sociologists at the Openly Oklahoman Professional Sociologists Center (OOPS-C).
“All of the B.A.B.I.E.S stuck my IPhone in their mouth when I gave it to them,” said Diane Chambers, Malone’s co-worker. “This generation just doesn’t care about anything. We thought that millennials were the worst but, a generation who doesn’t understand the basics of using a phone? Our culture will be headed towards a collapse.”
One other characteristic that is distinct to the new generation is that they are known to rely heavily on their parents and the children always wear diapers.
“I can only imagine how many jobs will be available in Waste Management,” said Malone. “We had to change the children’s diapers constantly, they are so lazy that they can’t even go to the restroom.”
“I opened up Twitter and handed the phone to a child in the B.A.B.I.E.S generation,” said Norm Peterson, another co-worker. “That child just ended up putting my phone in his mouth. Without knowing their own name or how to operate technology, I can only imagine what they will be like in the workplace whenever they get jobs.”
Scientists at the Edmond Ivy League College University (EILCU) took to the challenge of giving a child in the B.A.B.I.E.S generation a job at the lab. The head scientist Austin Farraday wanted to test the child and see how productive it would be in the workplace.
“She burned down our entire lab,” said Farraday. “We gave her the simple task of mixing dodecahedrane, quadratic acid, and buckminsterfullerene with a beaker of arsole. Left her for a minute and she pushed a Bunsen burner over, lighting the place on fire.”
The scientists at EICLU were not given the proper funds for a new lab and are now required to work in Farraday’s mom’s garage.
“My scientific conclusion,” said Farraday. “This B.A.B.I.E.S generation is way worse than millennials. Also, I left my phone next to her and she put it in her mouth. I would like to propose testing the neurological aspects of this generation, something is not right.”
“I found a crazy man in a lab coat had stolen my baby girl,” said Rebecca Howe, the mother of the B.A.B.I.E.S girl in Farradays test. “He told me I need to be a better parent and teach her to not be so lazy. I called the cops and told him I’m going to teach him to not be so crazy.”
The sociologists at OOPS-C are continuing to find more and more children with similar characteristics to those in the B.A.B.I.E.S generation.
“This is our biggest understanding of sociology yet,” said Malone. “As with milennialls, don’t blame parenting, don’t blame the child’s surroundings, and especially don’t blame the culture they all grew up in. This generation of B.A.B.I.E.S will continue to have these characteristic as they get older. Our culture will change and we should adapt to it. Sociology.”