EICLU’S 20TH THANKSGIVING ‘THANKS FOR NOTHING’ AWARDS
Warning: This is a Fictional Column Intended for Satire.
pie is a staple of Thanksgiving meals, just like the ‘Thanks for Nothing’ Award show is a staple at the Edmond Ivy League College University. (Provided/Pixabay.com)
Edmond Ivy League College University held their annual ‘Thanks For Nothing’ Thanksgiving award show Saturday, giving thanks to the families that made their students Thanksgiving one to be forgotten.
Austin Farraday hosted the award show and said he gives thanks every day to people in his life and that this award show is about saying thanks to the people who don’t deserve it.
“Students have family members that make their Thanksgiving the worst, from awkward uncles to cousins that you are positive have warrants out for their arrest,” Farraday said. “This award show recognizes the effort those family members go through to make sure this wonderful holiday is full of wondering how they are related to you.”
The night’s events began with a drunk aunt leading everyone in a prayer and followed by a speech from Uncle Jack, who sounded really drunk but hadn’t had a drink since arriving.
After Uncle Jack’s weird speech, the students sat at the tables labeled ‘kids table’ and the family members made their way to their seats, which were old love seats with the leather peeling off.
The first award was to Great-Uncle Jimmy for ‘Never Saying One Word During The Entire Thanksgiving Day.’ This award was given to him for his achievements in going almost 23 years without talking to a single person during Thanksgiving.
“I don’t care about them, I care about football,” said Jimmy in response to his win.
The next award was for ‘Birthing The Most Amount Of Kids Since The Last Thanksgiving,’ which was awarded to Cousin Rachel.
“They are just all blessings from heaven,” said Rachel. “All eight of them are like little puzzle pieces that make up my heart.”
Cousin Rachel also won the award for ‘Not Caring At All That Your Kids Are Doing Stupid Things.’ This award is given to the parent who best exemplifies how little they care about how horrible their kids are being.
Farraday gave away many more ‘Thanks For Nothing’ awards, including the ‘Giving Unwanted Life Advice’ award, the ‘Why Aren’t You Married, You’re Getting Too Old And Unattractive And Need To Find Someone’ award and also the award for ‘Mentioning Donald Trump At All and In Any Conversation Ever.’
“While everyone was filling their stomachs, they were also filling their lives with anger towards distant family members,” Farraday said. “That is what the holidays are truly about.”