CWA: Straight Outta Edmond
Warning: This is a humor column which is intended for satire.
A group of local cowboys calling themselves ‘Cowboys With Attitude’ (CWA), began protesting at the Capitol Monday for the state to approve a ‘National Cowboy Day.’
Carl Fitzgerald is the President of CWA and began the movement with one idea in mind: to create an overall awareness of cowboys within the state of Oklahoma.
“People on and off the ranch call me Cowboy Carl,” said Cowboy Carl. “I’ve been a cowboy all my life, from sun-up to sun-down. I feel that you aren’t raised a cowboy, you’re born one.”
“We won a cowboy hat on a cruise about a week ago,” said Sandra Fitzgerald; wife to Cowboy Carl. “He grew up in downtown Detroit, he knows nothing about the country. I don’t even think he knows what cowboys are or what they do.”
Cowboy Carl began CWA after posting a thread titled ‘Cowboys Wanted, Must Have an Attitude’ on Craigslist, three members soon joined him.
“People need a day to know that us cowboys exist,” said Cowboy Carl. “Nowadays everyone associates the word ranch with something they want to dip their pizza in; city-folk are ridiculous.”
Fifty-two-year-old Phil Tarver is an actual cowboy who owns his own agricultural business and was the first Oklahoma cowboy to join CWA with Carl; a decision he immediately regretted.
“I am not a fan of the name, that’s for sure,” said Tarver. “I thought this would be more of a group that wants to push our senators to loosen the restrictions they placed on the agricultural industry in Oklahoma. But not at all, Carl is just obsessed with the overall awareness of cowboys.”
“I wake up every morning just like you, except I put on my cowboy hat,” said Carl. “Cowboys With Attitude is needed now more than ever, especially in this age of technology. I saw someone order a burger through a machine at a fast food restaurant. What’s next? Machines are going to cut up the cow meat? I don’t think so partner.”
Cowboy Carl and Phil Tarver recently began going door-to-door handing out fliers and asking people to sign a petition for the state to recognize a ‘National Cowboy Day.’
“To my surprise, a lot of people were already generally aware of us cowboys,” said Cowboy Carl. “Also to my surprise, we got no signatures.”
“Nobody thought he was a real cowboy,” said Tarver. “And when somebody asked him if he was a real cowboy, he would just point to his hat and say ‘darn tootin’ I am.’”
Researchers at the Edmond Ivy League College University (EILCU) were puzzled at the thought of a man portraying a cowboy. Austin Farraday gathered a large group of scientists and began a study to see just how many false prophets existed in the state of Oklahoma.
“Turns out, a lot of people who wear cowboy hats or boots aren’t actually cowboys,” said Farraday. “We were shocked. I began the study with over sixty scientists in lab coats and sent them out to gather scientific data. They simply asked anyone dressed like a cowboy if they were a cowboy. Almost all asked said no. Crazy science.”
— Austin Faraday (@EILCU) July 10, 2017
Cowboys With Attitude continues to pursue their efforts of pushing for a ‘National Cowboy Day.’
“People need to see a cowboy hat and understand what it means,” said Cowboy Carl. “I will be a cowboy till the day I die, that is just a fact of life.”
“I’m going to get him a sombrero tomorrow,” said Sandra. “Let’s see what cult he starts with that hat.”