BLACK PANTHER’S WORST MOVIE REVIEWS
Within the dark jungles of the online movie review community, there is an animal that creeps up on you and attacks. The negative reviews are like a jungle cat, waiting until you’re nice and comfortable by a fire, cooking s’mores. That’s when it kills. You might think there’s nothing negative to be said about Marvel’s Black Panther, but there is. The Vista dug up the worst of them. We grabbed our hiking gear and machetes, said our goodbyes and ran straight into the darkest jungles of the web.
“I CAN’T STAND WATCHING BLACK PANTHER…only once. It is such a great movie! From start to finish, Black Panther really provides all of my movie watching needs. That movie gets me up in the morning. I’m an accountant for a failing business, and my life just isn’t exciting until I step inside that AMC movie theater and T’Challa starts cutting into my soul.”
– Jason Vorcheese, Chicago, IL
“I WOULD RATHER EAT RICE PUDDING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THAN WATCH BLACK PANTHER EVER AGAIN….but I really, really love rice pudding. Some people say I have an uncomfortable obsession for rice pudding, so don’t take that statement to heart. Black Panther was actually one of my favorite movies, but if I had the chance, I would still eat rice pudding. Only for the fact that I really like rice pudding.”
– Benjamin Carlton, Winchester, ID
“BLACK PANTHER SUCKS!!! I’m talking about this new cologne I’m wearing right now. It’s called Black Panther and it’s the worst. It smells like rotten eggs mixed with a sweaty sauna. I’m so glad there’s a review site for this cologne now. I’ve been waiting to find somewhere to type out all of my frustration about this disgusting cologne. Finally, there’s a place I can. A girl the other day said that I smelled like a rotting corpse; that was my mom. Suck it, Black Panther. I’m going to go watch Black Panther. It’s my go to movie when I want to feel better.”
– Chris Christopherson, Denmark, MI
“BLACK PANTHER IS LIKE TWO PARENTS GETTING A DIVORCE…my parents got a divorce and it was the best thing that happened to our family. They had a pretty bad marriage to begin with and they knew that. I mean, for most of their marriage they would fight about money and go to bed upset with each other. Now, they are like best friends and our family is much better. We even have game nights where we play Chinese Checkers. They are true role models. I understand that I don’t necessarily NEED someone, but a relationship with another person is something I shouldn’t take for granted. Anyway, Black Panther is such a great movie.”
Cynthia Cornerstone, Carver City, WI
“HAVE YOU EVER HAD JUST, LIKE A GIANT BOWL OF RICE PUDDING AND THROWN UP BECAUSE OF HOW DISGUSTING IT IS?? Since I wrote my original review of Black Panther, I’ve changed my mind. Right after I wrote it, I went out and ate a giant bowl of rice pudding and it made me sick. I guess I couldn’t eat rice pudding for the rest of my life, so I would rather watch Black Panther for the rest of my life instead. The consistency of rice pudding is the worst, but the consistency of Black Panther is the best!”
– Benjamin Carlton, Winchester, ID
There you have it, the wild jungles of the online movie review community just attacked Marvel’s Black Panther. If you haven’t seen it yet, then you probably shouldn’t have read these reviews. They’re just so disheartening. Unless you are a conquistador who is ready to scour the tropical rainforest of movies searching for the Black Panther, hoping to come out alive.
Be brave, friends.