Bigger Truck Equals Bigger Personality?
Psychologists at the Edmond Ivy League College University (EILCU) have been conducting a test in morality by studying whether a person with a bigger truck actually has a bigger personality.
Carl Stevenson has been an owner of a lifted Ford F-150, a truck that he considers to be his “big ol’ honkin angel from heaven” EILCU psychologists chose Stevenson for the study.
“For many years we have heard that those who own bigger trucks actually sustain a bigger personality, we wanted to use science to prove this theory,” said Austin Farraday, scientist and psychologist at EILCU. “Carl’s ‘big ol’ honkin’ angel from heaven’ was the perfect vehicle to test this theory; Carl might not have been.”
Stevenson wakes up every day at 4 a.m. and revs up his engine, waking up the entire neighborhood in the process.
“I don’t think I wake up the whole neighborhood,” said Carl. “My next-door neighbor loves my truck and that’s a fact that I know for sure.”
“I hate his stupid truck,” said Stevenson’s next-door neighbor. “I have triplets who are three-weeks old, his truck wakes them up. I hate him and I hate his truck.”
Farraday began the study by measuring how many people smiled when they drove past them in Stevenson’s truck.
“We drove by a golf course, a church after Sunday worship, and one funeral,” said Farraday. “Surprisingly, nobody was smiling. We even shouted ‘hey, what do you think about this truck? Pretty nice, right? What about the driver?’ People became more frustrated after that for some reason, especially at the funeral.”
— Austin Faraday (@EILCU) September 8, 2017
The scientists at EICLU made sure to record every moment of the experiment, one scientist; George Spitzman was skeptical of the film.
“Farraday seemed to have put the Go-Pro helmet on backwards,” said Spitzman. “So, we see nobody’s face in any of the film. It is basically the headrest of the seat in the truck the entire time and the truck was so loud, there’s no sound at all; kind of useless.”
Without proper evidence, the experiment to see if ‘having a bigger truck means having a bigger personality’ is all based on Stevenson and Farraday’s opinions. Science.
“Ever since I got my ‘big ol’ honkin’ angel from heaven,’ people have been treating me with respect,” said Stevenson. “On the road, I seem to just glide along, I don’t have any problems with traffic.”
Looking deeper into police reports, it seems that Stevenson has driven multiple cars off the road and never seems to notice.
“He ran over my mini-van last week,” said Stevenon’s next-door neighbor. “He just hung out the window and asked me where my van was. I hate him and I hate his stupid truck.”
“Based on our experiment, it seems that if you have a bigger truck then you really do have a bigger personality,” said Farraday. “But bigger isn’t always better. While riding in the truck was a fantastic experience, it seemed that everyone outside of the truck was having a horrible experience.”
Carl continues to brag to all of his neighbors about how big and beautiful his truck is, yet nobody seems to agree with him.
“He has a bumper sticker on the back of his truck that says, ‘thought my truck was dirty till I met your girlfriend’,” said Stevenson’s next-door neighbor. “His personality is dumb, we are moving tomorrow.”